To those that read these presents, greetings. Let it be known that you, the punk f*ckers who broke into my garage are hereby put on notice. If ever your identities become known to me or mine, consider your (collective) ass forfeit. This warning is not to be construed as a death threat, but as a promise of an asswhipping to within an inch of death. I will track you to the ends of the earth, and yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for I am the baddest M**-F*er in the valley, and carry a big, big stick. Tread lightly, you who have desecrated that most hallowed of male domains, my garage. For, if you are found out, you would rather beg for death than face me.
Note: The aforementioned, if not understood as such, is sarcasm. Furious though I may be, I would likely drag said hoodlums by their collective ears back to the house to make them apologize to my wife, then down to the courthouse to confess, on threat of severe bodily harm.
Little bastards tried to burn down my garage. Were I there in Dayton I would dig in for the long fight, but seeing as how I’m headed overseas, I’m washing my hands of that s**thole, and throwing in the towel. God bless the men and women of the Dayton PD, because they are fighting a losing battle, and have no judicial topcover.
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